Full of memories that make me smile

Full of deep conversations and new understandings

As I sit here today

I feel unreal

I feel as though nothing is real anymore

The connections made here mean nothing

Instead of a smile

I’m greeted with numbness

More so time has stopped in this melancholy state

Peace is no longer a friend in this state

I am left with memories of hopeful nothings

The waves no longer calm me

Instead the meaning has been replaced

Of how easily each wave is manipulated by its surroundings

Conforming to the rocks lining the shore

With a simple adjustment of the moon

Everything changes

From high tides to low tides

Manipulated by the forces miles away

Falling over itself

Crashing into each wake

Never fully flowing in a singular direction

But furiously slamming into a wall

Stuck in a constant loop

Nothing will have changed

I will still look at you with the same longing eyes

I will still have hope that you’ll give me a chance

It will still hurt to see you with him

However

The acceptance will grow little by little with each day that passes

A recognition of how my role in our situation got us to this point

And how i can avoid the repetition for my own growth

Im hoping in time

My journey will be used as a road map for others

Danger and warning signs posted at the entrance of certain choices

Followed by

“ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK”

A path lined with candles and rose pedals

Disguising the barbed wires

Hidden amongst the fairy lights that light the way

The sun setting perfectly behind the buildings across from my store

Cars honking at each other as the light turns green with a distracted driver at the front

The way I always take the last puff of a cigarette, letting it burn my lip

Not enough to not leave a mark, just enough to feel the pain

The feeling of hopelessness, anxiety, depression, anger

Or the opposite

The feeling of love, happiness, or satisfaction

No matter what is happening in the surroundings

Inspiration is just behind the door

You just have to want it enough to see through the glass

Caring so much

Believing in the best of people

Having so much hope for unobtainable dreams

Romanticizing our friendship that will never have a future

How do I stop the deep eye contact that makes time stop

Getting chills down my spine everytime we hold hands

Dreaming about our first kiss

Or the one after that

Or the many after those

How do I get you out of my head

Everything reminds me of the nights we spent together

The glowing 76 gas station sign

The bridge we walked across

The cliffs

Denny’s

Lestat’s

The color gold

A flower I pass on the street

How do I stop relating all of these things back to you

Back to the time we’ve spent together

Back to all the things we talked about when we had no cares

Back to before I fell for you

How do I feeling again

I’d rather be numb than go through this again and again

Just let it go,

Just ignore the thoughts,

Stop torturing yourself,

Self mutilation of the mental state,

All thoughts point to others,

Others rather than myself,

2:11

Blasting the music at the max volume so I can feel the vibrations through the door,

I trained myself to drive with my right hand instead of my left so I can’t place it on the door handle,

Ive always listened to music for the instruments rather the lyrics,

I like to feel the emotions portrayed through tempo and rhythm rather lyrics,

2:17

Im lacking in creativity,

I stare off into the sky thinking about nothing,

No prompts come to mind,

Other than writing about the people newly introduced to my life,

I can’t just write about my feelings towards people I can’t have the way I want to have them,

Thats just a sad reminder of my loneliness.

2:21

I yearn for a reciprocated love,

I have so much to give,

Yet I can’t find someone who will treat me the same,

I attract trash cans romantically,

And platonically I attract perfect partners,

This is me trying to take time for myself,

And I just end up writing about others..

2:30

I believe,

That I can be funny,

That I’m a good person,

That some perceive me as good looking,

That I can better my self-esteem and put in the work,

That I am more than a grade,

That I deserve the same energy I give to others,

That I want to find love,

That I’m struggling mentally,

That I’m not at my goal yet,

That I can be more than I tell myself,

That if I put in the effort I can become a good writer,

2:47

A message to my older self,

Please tell me it gets better,

Life can’t just be this,

I can’t be stuck in the same constant loop for the rest of my life,

I need to have a change somewhere,

Give me something to look forward to,

I want to stay but each day grows harder and harder,

Every morning it takes an extra push of energy to get out of bed,

I find myself staring at the ceiling for hours before my body gives up and lets me sleep,

But even after that I wake up an hour later out of pure anxiety,

2:59

The nights I can’t sleep have been reoccurring more than usual,

It used to be here and there,

Maybe once or twice a month,

But this past week,

Ive waken up in a cold sweat,

On the hour,

Every hour,

I don’t know what’s keeping me up,

I know its the same feeling I had after my motorcycle accident,

Its the same feeling from middle school,

From high school,

All the thoughts racing through my head as soon as my head hits the pillow,

Im stuck alone with my thoughts,

The thoughts that are starting to become too intrusive to ignore,

Its becoming a burden to wake up,

Even worse,

Its starting to show,

The jokes aren’t seeming like jokes anymore,

3:10

Sitting alone, yet again,

Unable to fit words to emotions

Im drained

My emotions

My energy

My everything

Im just tired

I haven’t been sleeping

I have no confidence

I have no motivation

It’s a struggle to believe in a good outcome

3:19

Im living in a constant loop

Same thing day in and out

School then work

Or work then school

Followed by school work

Once in a while I socialize

But not enough to be regular

3:21

I sit alone writing my thoughts in an empty corridor

Slight movements of passing students here and there

Never lasting ones

Everyone is trying to get the fuck out of here as quick as possible

3:39

Watching the sun slowly fall beneath the buildings

Tracing the shadows made from the beams in-between the glass pains

As the shade of yellow turns orange

Reaching the final hours of the day

Still stuck in the same spot as I was before

The same spot I’m always at

Noticeable if an effort was made

But one never is

3:44

I sit watching students micro expressions as they finish their finals

The last chance to get a higher grade

Wether they aced or bombed

The gut feeling of knowing that I’m next

The last few hours left of the semester

An outcome I’m too scared to approach

3:58

I spent over two hours studying for a class I had already taken the final for

I just wanted to finish my notes page for the review

It was 67 slides long

I wrote almost everything down

Slide by slide

Word by word

Just to make my brain ease

4:02

What if I’m not good enough for this field

What if people are lying to me about the level of my skills

I have no faith in myself for passing this class

I don’t want to fail

I don’t want to let her down

I want to stay friends

How will she think of me if I fail this fucking class

4:07

I think highly of everyone around me

Why can’t I apply that to myself

Ive always struggled with not taking the advice I give to others

Ive been the one to talk people off the ledge more times than I can count

Yet I find myself in the exact spot they were in

Two seconds away from closing my eyes and leaning for freedom

The final finish line

The one race will win first place in

4:15

Ive always been a follower

Never had the courage to be a leader

Never wanting that attention

Ive always just stuck to the wall

The attention of others striking fear all down my spine

A quick eye contact moment sends shivers through my whole nervous system

4:30

When did the fear of people become so unbearable

Where did my spontaneous energy run off to

I had it once before

Now its vanished

Along with my energy

My enthusiasm

My motivation

My hope

4:38

Im slowly losing oxygen

As the rope constricts tighter and tighter

Hands tied behind the back

Unable to break free

With every second passing

More and more tears start to form in the water line

Heat slowly creeping up the spine

A wobbly chair is the only barrier to my freedom

The only thing in the way of everlasting bliss

Two minutes pass

The swelling in my face has summoned a rise in temperature

Eyes closing for the last time

Shut tight

4:45

The struggle subsides

Just a few second remaining

Last second thoughts race through the brain

All the “happiest” moments it can come up with

A summary of everything you once missed but had forgotten

As the last beat of the heart fades away

Freedom welcomes me

No more struggle

Sadness or guilt

Just black

Nothing to great me on the other side

Eternal darkness

Eternal isolation

4:50

(class starts in 10 minutes)

Get your shit together

I relive our first memories through the pictures

Through the years of our friendship

We’ve been at each others side like twins

You are my forever

No matter what life has/will throw at us

We’ll always be a phone call away

One ring and we pick up where we left off

No matter how much time has passed since the last call

From walking my neighborhood selling girl scout cookies

To being your Man of Honor

We will always have each other

No matter the distance that lie between us

We are eternal twins

I used the veil as a way to hide what I was feeling,

I used it to try to erase the memories the haunt me,

I used the veil to hide the monster that was created so long ago,

And now that the veil is being lifted,

All of those feelings,

Those memories,

The monsters,

Are being released back into existence,

I don’t know how to control it.

All my writing is just my thoughts thrown onto the page without a second thought

I take my blood and use it as the ink

You can’t tell over a computer

But My writing is pure emotions

Scribed perfectly to allow the readers a glimpse into my soul

I am broken

Words cannot heal the wounds

But they can show the world what journeys I’ve taken

The roller coaster of life

Currently, the tracks have lost a few screws

Many pieces are hanging off the edge

And the carts have detached themselves

Waiting for the day

The carts fully derail entirely

Yes you meet people

You create relationships

But at the end of the day

Your bed is cold without someone to share it with

The car rides seems to take longer

You have no one to talk to throughout the day

You’re stuck with thoughts

As a writer that’s what fuels my creativity

Maybe i was destined to be alone

To write my life away

As I sit in the various coffee shops

Watching the patrons enter with their families

All with smiles

Gleaming

I remember a time I was once smiling

Entering a coffee shop

Ready to yap away

I’m always stuck with my thoughts and memories of the past.

All the times I looked out the window,

Wishing I had someone to share this moment with,

someone to dance in the rain with,

Someone who is just as beautiful as all of the rain drops that fall from the top to the bottom of my window.

Instead I’m greeted with the memories of running into the middle of the street when we heard the storm outside.

The memories of all the times we just sat with popcorn on your bed,

Listening to the rain drops that would fall from the roof directly in front of your window you constantly left open.

I’m left to sit alone,

At my desk in front of my window,

Writing about the memories I used to cherish,

That haunt me now.

To show you a life you deserve

How happy I could make you

If only you’d listen

To how I describe you to the people in my life

How I think of the first day we met every night before I fall asleep

If only I could relive it

To see you perform like you did

How you had my jaw on the floor the moment I laid eyes on you

If only you’d feel the same

No matter where I end up, nothing compares to being with you. Sure, the sunset is beautiful, yet the only sight worthy of my camera is you. To capture the way your hair perfectly flows, swooping in front of your eye (if your hair is down). Or how your smile is pure bliss, leaving a warm feeling in my chest. Listening to your infectious laugh fill the cab of my truck as we talk through out the entire night.

This seems like the start to a typical (post) break-up poem, the only difference..

We were never together. Never in a relationship.

I was saying anything to keep you close, no matter the pain it would cause me. I believed that I could somehow convince you to choose me. For a second, it felt like you really did.

Then, all at once, it came to a complete halt. It became too real.

Thus, a non-breakup breakup

A memorable moment to place in a picture frame later on, the cloudless sky, white foam of the crashing waves perfectly placed in the back ground, the biggest smile a girl could have, her dreams of a beach proposal finally coming true

I’m greeted with the endless fantasies of ‘what if’s’, the ‘if only’s’ that keep the ink flowing onto the pages, picturing myself in place of the stranger, asking the big question, sharing the rest of my life with my person, when might that day come, when will my one simple dream come true

The sunset looks too perfect, almost fake. If only you were here to share it with me, I haven’t stopped thinking about you, and now that I’m back at the spot where it all started, I’m reminded of the nights we spent talking, sharing all out thoughts, embarrassing stories, aspirations, leaving nothing for the imagination, except what our future might look like

Do we chose to stay home and save money

Do we chose to live recklessly and have no regrets

Do we chose to love unconditionally

Even if that means countless heartbreaks

Its said that all roads lead to the same conclusion

One that will reunite us with our maker

If that’s the case

Why do we live in such shrouded ways

Refusing to actually enjoy the life that was granted to us

We are born a dying species

As we take our first breath

We start the countdown to our last

So enjoy the time we do have on this planet

Follow your aspirations and remember the journeys along the way

Just laying on the floor,

Staring up at nothing yet everything at the same time,

A feeling one cannot express in an everyday setting,

It’s a feeling that only comes once in a blue moon,

On a day where the moon is no longer visible,

Clouds cover the sky as a blanket,

A blanket on a cold winters days,

A blanket that makes you not want to get out of bed in the morning,

The mornings where staying in bed is the only thing that will give you the same feeling of as looking at the power lines from the floor.

Something something something

Fucking write something

Anything

Just put your thoughts on the fucking paper, and something will come out

I’ve only had one thought on my mind

You have been the only thought in my mind

What we could be

What I wish we’d be

All the songs I listen to

They all remind me of you

Of all the nights we’ve spent listening to them in the car

Of the concert we just went to and will go to

Something something something

Write something that not about her

Anything works

Try writing about literally anything else

Why

Why me

Why you

Of all people on this planet

Why did it have to be you

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